Every year, Silverton High School -- go Foxes -- hosts a cross-country race affectionately dubbed "The Monster," so named because of a half-mile hill in the middle of the race that pretty much destroys all but the best runners.
I only have fond memories, of course. Most of sweating, groaning, and questions like "Why am I a runner?" and "Am I alive or dead or caught in some hellish in-between?"
Anyway, a few years ago I made a Facebook post advertising the race in hopes that people would, y'know, actually show up to a cross-country event. I know it isn't exactly a spectator sport (especially up in the woods), but it's the thought that counts, right? Regardless, I couldn't have this be just any advertisement. I had to put a little somethin' into it.
So I put the entire post in caps and acted like Billy Mays.
 |
| I like to pretend he's smiling down upon me when I'm feeling down. |
I definitely got more replies than I would've had I just made a semi-begging post, so I decided to do it the next year. And the next. And I plan to continue for quite a while after.
I just finished writing this year's post, and it is by far the most ridiculous/least "educational" of all of my posts. Enjoy the eye-searing caps:
*
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE! I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD TO REMIND YOU OF THAT SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR.
YEAH, I'M LATE ON THIS ONE. SUE ME.
GUESS WHAT TODAY IS? YOU BET YOUR GIBLETS IT'S THE MONSTER, YOU GOOF. THE MOST INTENSE RUNNING ACTION YOU GET THIS SIDE OF STEENS MOUNTAIN, WHICH IS ACTUALLY PROBABLY JUST AS INTENSE BUT FOR THE NEXT FEW MINUTES GO AHEAD AND PRETEND OTHERWISE.
WHAT? YOU SAY I SAID THE MONSTER WAS TODAY WHEN I IN FACT POSTED THIS THE NIGHT BEFORE? WELL THAT'S BECAUSE I FIGURED MOST PEOPLE WOULD ALREADY BE ASLEEP AND I'M CONSIDERATE AND STUFF.
THAT HALF-MILE HILL OF FALLEN LOGS AND SWEATY TEENAGERS IS STILL THERE, CHUMP, AND IT'S WAITING TO SWALLOW YOUR SOUL. YES, THE MONSTER HAS ACHIEVED SENTIENCE THIS YEAR AND IS ACTIVELY DESTROYING LIVES. YOUR BEST BET IS TO SPRINT UP THE HILL AND THEN PROCEED TO SPRINT FASTER DOWN THE HILL. DON'T LIKE POTHOLES? TOO BAD BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING AN EXTRA SERVING, UP- AND DOWNHILL.
QUIT WHINING ABOUT THE HEAT, YOU WHINING WHINER, BECAUSE THE MONSTER TAKES NO PRISONERS. IT'S A GOSH-DANG NAVY SEAL WITH A MISSION, AND THAT MISSION IS TO BREAK YOU LIKE A TWIG.
THINK YOU CAN TAKE THIS HILL? THINK AGAIN, NERD. GEORGE WASHINGTON TOOK TIME OUT OF CREATING THE IDEA OF LIBERTY IN 1776 TO COME TO THE MODERN DAY *JUST* SO HE COULD TRY THE MONSTER. HE WAS QUOTED AT THE FINISH LINE AS SAYING "THAT STUFF BE CRAY-CRAY, YO." YES, THIS CROSS-COUNTRY COURSE PUSHED THE FATHER OF FREEDOM TO THE POINT OF USING TEENAGE SLANG. HARDCORE.
SO DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND TAKE THE FAMILY ON A MINI-VACATION TO WATCH THE SILVERTON HIGH SCHOOL CROSS-COUNTRY EAM SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF THIS TERROR OF A COURSE. THE SCREAMS OF THOSE WHO FALL PREY TO THE HILL WILL STAY WITH YOUR FOREVER! FOR ONE EASY PAYMENT OF WHATEVER-THE-COST-IS-TO-ENTER-SILVER-FALLS-STATE-PARK, YOU CAN SUPPORT A TEAM AND ENJOY THE OUTDOORS! YOU DON'T GET OUT ENOUGH ANYWAY. ADMIT IT.
---
In all seriousness, go watch the Silverton XC team kick some butt tomorrow at the Monster. It's up at Silver Falls State Park and it is gonna be rad. To the runners, go get 'em and have fun! The course will be one you remember forever, and it'll make the rest of the season a breeze. Make me proud!
*
These are always fun to write.
-Garrett
No comments:
Post a Comment